Four Months Together

November 5 marks four months that we have had our wonderful daughter. Just yesterday I was holding her as she slept, reflecting on how far she's come since we've been together. She turned 22 months yesterday! It's impossible to describe how amazed I am that I get to witness her blossom and unfold. I think about her first mom and how much she is missing--my heart aches for her. I am so unbelievably grateful that God has allowed me to be her second mom. How awesome that we get to be the ones with this life long connection to such an amazing person. In honor of her 22nd month and our 4 month anniversary together...drum roll please......SHE STARTED CRAWLING THIS WEEK!!!! We are overjoyed. This will mean sooo much for her development in so many ways.

To let you know what a big deal it is that she's crawling, I'll share how far she's come. Since we've gotten her, she has regained or gained the ability to hold her head up, sit up on her own, play with toys, smile, laugh, scoot around on her rear, roll over, push up while on her tummy, reach out to be held, hold onto us as we hold her, initiate play, tease us, give kisses, splash, swing, slide, not be afraid of going places, dance, crawl, pull-up, and stand! She is so brave, strong, and resilient--she challenges me everyday to have hope and believe in God, my over-comer!

Transformations

Thanks to everyone who's emailed or called to see why it's been so long since I last posted... Frankly, when I have free time, I can find a million other things to do! I finally sent pictures to grandparents and other family, and thought I'd write a quick post.

Where to begin?? The last 6 weeks have been jam-packed with the typical ups and downs of family life as well as milestones and struggles more specific to adoption. I'll hit the highlights just to catch you up.

Micah is doing GREAT finally! He has really turned a corner emotionally as far as coping with the changes from having a new sister. He is even choosing to share with Brenna and initiates making sure she has toys to play with. He has learned to ride his tricycle on his own--so exciting! :) He loves to paint and does so at least every day. He also loves to pretend and daily re-arranges all the chairs in our dining room/den to make a bus/train/airplane/boat/tree-truck/pick-up truck--you get the picture. He has already dressed up as a train engineer for Halloween. Chris took him to this local event at our zoo and he so did not get what was happening. We never talk about Halloween, so he was clueless. After going through the primate house where there was trick-or-treating, he came to understand that candy was involved and was so excited! He's had a terrible sinus infection but seems to finally be getting better. One of my favorite recent Micah memories is the day he told me that I was his best friend! He is so loving and often grabs my face, looks me in the eyes, and says "you're a good mommy." AWW!!

Brenna is doing well. She had a terrible tummy problem for 3 days--unbelievable diarrhea!! She had an ear-infection at the same time. We're so thankful she's better. Right before she got sick she was weighed and is up to 19.4 pounds!! She's gained 8 pounds in the last 3.5 months--almost as much as what she gained her entire life before. We're so humbled and grateful that she's doing so well! She's still not crawling, but is showing more strength and interest. I have physical therapy exercises I have to do with her; she hates them sometimes, but I'm learning how to make them more endurable for her. She's a fighter! She continues to amaze us with her playfulness and openness to learning so many new things. She's really into language right now and often turns our heads toward her to repeat a word she finds interesting or funny. The BIG news is that about 3/4 weeks ago, she said Ma-Ma for the first time! Then, a couple weeks ago, she started saying Da-Da. Now she says those two words and duck, uh-oh, and boo. She still signs all the time and we think she's a very smart little girl. She loves to swing and both kids LOVE to bump around in the yard in the wagon. She now reaches for us to hold her all the time and gets upset when we leave the room or the house--huge emotional progress! Again, we're so thankful she's doing so well!

As for Chris and I, we sometimes dream of going away for a weekend to Tahiti or even a local motel for that matter! But, at the same time, we are so thankful and filled with joy to have been given the privilege of parenting these two amazing kids. Recently a dear mentor told me some life-giving words as I related my struggles with letting go of my kids and entrusting them to God. She told me that we can give all to our kids and leave very little for ourselves and it still will not be enough for them. They have needs that can only be met by God; in fact, in our shortcomings as parents, they can experience God's strength even more. God will never let me down as a parent--HE will always be there for my kids. So, the best I can do for them is to give and love unconditionally but also model wholeness as a woman of God. That means taking time away from them when I need to, exercising to stay physically/mentally healthy, going to bible study, hanging out with friends, and dating my husband! Such words of life and freedom--I needed to hear them. I so often think that I can do it all and be all for my kids and when I (obviously) can't, I judge myself and feel guilty. If I can just learn that I can never give them all they need, I can find peace! The best thing I can give them is a life lived for God.

Choosing Gratitude

Hello all! Sorry it's been so long since my last post; it's taken me awhile to get my feet under me the last few weeks. We've had good news but I think Chris and I are just coming out of post-adoption shock or adjustment or something.

For the good news--two weeks ago we had our follow-up visit to the Int'l Adoption Clinic. This is where they did developmental assessment and helped us know where to focus our parentherapy efforts. Here's the miracle: ALL the tests are back now and she's negative for everything! Praise God! Developmentally, they were amazed at her emotional and intellectual progress. She grew the most in her head--literally--and is catching up to the size for her age (her head)quite rapidly. She knows about 20 signs now and amazes us with how much she understands and communicates without clear verbal language. She is learning to trust us and they stressed that with a child who's had such extreme deprivation, they would not expect her to have come so far at this point. For that, we are VERY grateful!! Physically, they were not displeased, but stressed that we have a long way to go. We focused on things we can do to help her get used to the crawl position with the OT. She HATES it all, so that has not been fun. The pediatrician was hoping she would have gained more weight and asked if we could get her to eat more!! So, leaving the office we should have felt great, right???

The funny thing is that the days after the clinic visit were some of the hardest we've had! I think that this is for several reasons. First, I think we were under spiritual attack. I agree with one author I read on adoption that adoption is war. The defenseless and fatherless are at the center of God's heart and when we help them, we are in the enemy's path. I think satan didn't want us to have any victory from the good clinic visit. I also think that we were finally able to let go of our concern that something major was physically wrong with Brenna, and when we did, the grief set in quite strongly. The fact that our daughter was in such a neglected, deprived state for so long is just horrifying. It is a tangible, visible reminder of what sin looks like--that we have so many resources in the church yet we don't share them or give sacrificially. When did the church get so apathetic (me included)? My daughter challenges me to live on a grander yet simpler scale. Grander in view of eternally and simpler in terms of materially...I'm struggling to stay in tune with what more God has for me. Also, we have put a lot of pressure on ourselves to try and get her stronger/crawling as well as to eat more. This is quite frustrating b/c she's now a picky eater!! But we got her weighed yesterday and she jumped to 17.4 pounds from 16.5 at the clinic two weeks ago!

So, to the title, choosing gratitude...this is how I'm surviving the mundane of raising two kids, one who is very special needs right now. This is how I'm staying SANE. This is how I'm staying aware of God's intimate presence in my life. By choosing to be thankful each day for things, I'm trying to keep track of God's big plans for our lives. I'm trying to cultivate a joyous home for Micah, Brenna, and Chris. Because, let me be frank, I know that there are some who are truly designed to be full-time moms who work at home. For me, I need some work outside the home and more time with friends and family to match the shape God's given me. So this time has been harder than just about anything I've ever done. But I am so aware and at peace that I am doing exactly what my family needs right now and what God would have me to do.

So here's what I'm grateful for: that Brenna is here with us finally, that Micah loves Brenna now, that Brenna has no parasite, that Chris has a good job, that Chris and I celebrated our 12th anniversary (happily!), for amazing friends who don't understand but listen without judgement or hollow/trite advice, for chocolate, for cooler weather coming, for how God is transforming me, for God's PERFECT timing, for pretty good health for my Crohn's, for the amazing Int'l Adoption Clinic here and there staff, for two cars that are old but running, for a house that is easy to clean and childproof, for a wonderful church, for Chris who keeps trying to understand me even when I'm ridiculous and unfair, for my wonderful mom and all her compassion and help, for my wonderful mother-in-law and her help, for my precious, precious children...

I could go on but I'll stop. That's what's in my heart right now. What I'd love to know is what you're grateful for! Post a comment or shoot me an email to tell me what God has done for you.

Brother and Sister

On Monday it was six weeks since we got Brenna. Having her home finally is such a surreal thing at times. I go back and forth between utter exhaustion or frustration with two toddlers to cracking up laughing or crying in awe of the wonder my two children bring to my life.

Micah seems to be finally adjusting a bit to having a sister. It has been really hard on him to have to share my attention and time. I am so thankful for all the help my mother-in-law and mom have been able to give me, but at times I miss him in a strange way! As Brenna has gotten stronger and more playful, Micah has been able to relate to her more easily. I think he's realized she's here to stay so he might as well go along with it! He sings to her when she's upset (totally adorable!) and is even sharing of his own free will quite often. It's amazing that they already do sibling things like be jealous of me when I'm holding one or want the toy that the other is playing with. The funniest part is how Brenna has started teasing Micah! Last week they had both just woken up from a nap and Micah was grumpy so I let him watch TV. I put heron the sofa next to him and she kept wanted to put her head on his shoulder to get his attention--see the picture--so funny! I try to do special things with Micah when Brenna takes her morning nap--we made a police outfit last week and ate icecream...the pictures speak for themselves. The funniest thing is how Micah does these quirky two-year-old things like wearing this boat hat my mother-in-law gave him everywhere we go or wearing his new shoes with nothing else but his diaper. I could barely stop laughing to take the picture!

Brenna is doing really well. I feel like she crossed some emotional milestone last week; she gives us kisses now and clings onto me when I hold her. She asks to be held a lot. It's so strange to hold a child that doesn't now how to be held and is even afraid of the closeness. She used to pull and strain away so much when we held her, turning her chest/body out. Now she even snuggles in at times. AMAZING! She wants me to rock her to sleep most nights and just generally seems more sure of her place at home. She is using a lot of sign language, too! She says more, all-done, please, cracker, book, milk, baby, and diaper. She LOVES baths, peek-a-boo, singing songs with motions, and reading books. We love her dearly and can't wait to have her get to know the family and friends close to us! We go to the int'l adoption clinic again on the 25th and hope to get a new game plan.
Gotta go--she's awake!

My New Hero

Yesterday I had a minor medical procedure done and got to talking about Brenna with the doctor. One of the nurses made a comment that helped me to articulate some things in my heart in response. She said that she "hopes Brenna is grateful one day for what we've done for her." I have to admit I wanted to yell at her and tell her that was ridiculous--we don't have children for their gratitude and if we do, we have serious problems. But, by the grace of God, I feel like I was able to respond in step with the Spirit. I simply told her that I wasn't looking for her gratitude but for her to be my daughter. And then I told her that I was the grateful one and hoped that my gratitude would be sustained through all the heartaches of parenting!

Here's what poured out of my heart--that I want everyone to know. I'm so grateful to be Brenna's mom. Brenna is one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Think about it--what kind of person would you be today if you had been abandoned by someone you loved at your weakest and most vulnerable? What if you had then been left alone in a strange hospital immediately after that, your cries for help ignored again and again? What if then, you had been taken to a place where there were too many people and not enough love, food, safety, or protection to go around, left alone in your bed for hours upon hours, your needs not met? What if you were then sick again and again, wasting away, weaker and weaker, with no special person to comfort you or bring you soup? What if you were then, after surviving a terrible week in the hospital with horrible tests never explained to you, taken away from the one, yes not so great, but only known place to you, and given to some funny looking strangers who talked in ways you couldn't understand? We try to minimize what children from neglectful and abusive backgrounds understand, go through, remember--but we would never do that to adults. Children in fact, experience these things much more profoundly because they cannot reason or use logic; they overwhelmingly feel the hurt and live it out, untranslated, through their senses. Research shows this again and again...

Seriously--if most of us had been through the things my daughter has been through in her short life--we would be bitter, solemn, resentful, or we would give up. We certainly wouldn't be easily open to love or laughter or play. Yet, my brave, strong daughter is doing just that. She's opening her heart to us--the greatest gift I could ever receive from her. She's learning to play, she's letting go of the things she used to surivive, learning to speak the language of family. When I think about all the broken children in the world and in our country, I am saddened and yet amazed! How many of you were broken like her and yet you are open to love? How many of you are still open to life, laughter, and hope? Children can become irreversibly hurt and never heal, but so many make it and not only survive but thrive...what a miracle!

The way I see it is that because we are created in God's image--we have GREAT capacity for connection and deep relationship with others. I see that part of God's imaged attacked and damaged every day by what I read about children every day--and by what I see my daughter struggling with. Yet greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world. God's light shines more brightly in the darkness. He is working to redeem that broken child in all of us. He wants us all to be working on our hang-ups, our strongholds, our sins caused by hurts done to us at any age. So, my daughter reminds me everyday to give up my way, my coping skills, my perspective, and choose God's. Terrifying at first, but over time, I see it's the only way to keep my heart open.

So, as I told my doctor yesterday--my daughter is my new hero. All persons that have survived horror in their childhoods are my heros! My prayer is that I will dare to completely open my heart to God as I teach my daughter to open her heart to us and ultimately Him.

Brennna News

Three weeks ago today we had one of the most overwhelming and terrifying days of our lives. It was also one of the most important because it was the day we met Brenna. We arrived at the Guangdong provincial adoption center along with many other families from all over the world. Just a few minutes after our arrival we were told that Brenna was in fact there and they brought her out to us. We were overjoyed to see her finally, but we could tell that from her point of view, this was a traumatizing day. She was so sick and looked so bad--we can't express what went through our minds. A few minutes after holding her, the nanny and nurse who'd brought her told our guide that she'd been hospitalized for one week and had just been released three days before. That began the crazy ups and downs of that week. Our parent hearts began fighting for our daughter that day and we are so thankful she's ours. She is a joy to watch as she gets better and learns about the world. She is granting us the privilege of getting to know her little by little.

Today as we think back on that hard time just a short time ago, we had a very different experience. We had our big appointment with the local international adoption clinic. We spent about 2.5 hours there between a nurse, social workers specializing in attachment and bonding, and a pediatrician. It was awesome! It's so encouraging to go where people understand what we're doing and can give us practical advice on how to best parent our daughter.

We got great news overall--she now weighs 15 pounds!!! That's 4 pounds in 3 weeks. Unbelievable!!! She's still the size of a 4 month old, but she's huge to us!! All of the tests that have come back so far are all normal!!! The main parasite they were testing for was negative. There are still other parasites we're waiting to hear about, but so far, so good. She does not have any problems with growth hormones or celiac disease. Her thyroid looks great and even her iron is good. The only other tests we're waiting for is all that they screen for in the newborn screenings. We'll see but we don't think they'll find anything. With that said, she was basically a healthy baby at birth (around 7 pounds) and then has been underfed for the last 18 months. Most likely she had a virus that put her in the hospital before we got her. I am being very careful in what I write on this public post, but as a parent it's so surreal to realize all of this...

With that said, our precious girl, our Brenna, our "Shao-shao" is doing very well! She is getting stronger every day and sits up for long spurts on her own. She gets around best by lying on her back and scooting around. She is rolling onto her tummy more and more which is GREAT! The doctor thinks she'll be crawling within the month. As far as attachment and family bonding goes, she's doing much better than the therapist would have expected considering all the deprivation she's experienced. She is quite a remarkable little girl if I do say so myself!!!

She LOVES the water! We went in the backyard yesterday to swim in our little pool and she LOVED it! She loves baths now, too! She splashes and kicks. She now rolls her arms to patty-cake and has signed "more" a few times. She loves to feed herself the things she can and is eating a ton! She also plays peek-a-boo with things--so cute!

It was great to hear some more tips from the therapist and know that we're doing what we should to give Brenna the best chance to learn what family means--it's still hard at times, though. We were encouraged to do as we thought--to limit her interactions with others until she knows us. This is so hard b/c we want to show her off and we know others already love her and want to meet her. But the therapist reiterated that if we do certain things now, it will pay off exponentially in the future. So, if you happen to get to meet Brenna and wonder what you can do to help, you can constantly redirect her to us when she tries to interact with you. All food, goodies, toys, etc, should come from us. Interact with Micah--he needs it! We'll also not be taking her out in crowds for about a month. We promise that you will get to meet her when the time is right. Enjoy the pics!

Pics of Trip

I'm just posting some pics really quickly. They're some favs, and I'll post more another time... The ones without Brenna are of the hour before we got her. Then, you'll see the one where we meet her. The other family pic of her and Micah in red is on oath ceremony day...

Sweet Home Alabama

Hi, family and friends! We made it, we made it! The last two days were grueling--a 2 hour train ride to Hong Kong turned into a 6 hour mini-bus ride--LONG story. Then, after the long 14.5 hour flight from HK to Detroit, we had a 7 hour layover that became a 9 hour layover after a late flight. Then, on that flight from Detroit to Bham, we had to put all our things throughout the plane and couldn't get to forumula, clothing, or diapers when both kids had major stink fests in their pants and Brenna got hungry...it was NOT pretty. But, we made it! My sweet mother in law was holding welcome signs and balloons for us and we cried and cried upon arriving. Micah slept from 1-6 am and Brenna 'til 9:30am. They're both napping now--which is nice!

We took Brenna to her pediatrician today...she's already gained 2.5 pounds since July 6th!!!! She really had a come apart at the doctor's office--she has so much fear from her hospital stay I'm sure and I think maybe she just needed to cry some after all the change and stress she's been through. It was so good to be able to hold her and love on her as she came apart. She's a very brave, special little girl. The doctors will be testing her for all sorts of things, but we feel that most likely she'd been getting less than half of what she needs calorically and has a parasite. I cannot even begin to explain how it feels to know your daughter has been starving. So surreal. She's beginning to blossom more and more--the last few days she's starting to try and hold her bottle and touch food. We are quite sure that she was never allowed to get her hands anywhere near food--perhaps even hit or yelled at when she tried--but now she's learning so much. She's learned to wave the last two days and understands several words--her favorites are congee, eat, more, Mommy, and Daddy.

Thank you all so much for the amazingly clean house and the awesome food and sweet cards, pictures, and decorations!!! Brenna LOVES the picture of us as a family--she touches it and squeals--so neat! Brenna loves the congee her Chinese aunties provided--thank you!!!

Love, love to all!!!

Coming Home

Well, God did it! The paperwork was pushed through and we had the oath ceremony today at the US Consulate. God gave us favor with so many people and moved hearts to work overtime to get us on our flight Friday! Usually families have to return after the ceremony the next day for their child's visa, but they had ours ready after the ceremony!! Awesome! So, we leave for Hong Kong tomorrow and out of there Friday morning. We can't wait!!! We are a bit nervous about the cyclone heading this way and most of all about Brenna's health on the flight, but God has brought us this far, He can do anything. I'm too tired to think and need to go pack, but thank you for everything--for all of your encouraging notes and emails! We'll try and post some pics later...

Getting to Know Brenna

Well, each day we get to know our sweet girl more and more. It's a privilege to see each part of her she dares to share. Yet as she gets better physically, we see more of her broken heart and fear come out at the same time. Everything is scary for her, and everything exhausts her right now. Please continue to pray for her to learn to trust us, to learn to relax and let us be in control for her.

Here is what we know about our daughter so far: she LOVES congee! This is sort of a thick chicken and rice soup. She'll eat other things and does like forumula, but she lights up when we give her congee! Brenna also likes to play peek-a-boo, to be tickled, and to watch Micah do just about anything. She loves for mommy to hold her and sing to her. She LOVES to be called her Chinese nick-name: dai ye mei, big eyed girl. She already prefers for mommy or daddy to hold her. In fact, when others do, she protests mightily! She loves to kick her legs and hold her feet! She does not, on the other hand, love a bath...we gave her her first last night and we just got through it. We'd waited this long which was hard considering how sick she's been and not so clean. She has 4 teeth and enjoys throwing any toy you give her to watch your reaction and then demands it back.

This time in China has been quite a testing ground--for our faith and our family. We know that we know that God is good and mighty to save. He has lavished us with love, His presence, His wisdom, and His favor.

What's funny about this time in China is that we are really in little US like there are little China's in the US. We're in this lavish, gorgeous hotel with Papa john's delivery and hamburgers...the most hilarious thing is that Mattel has a deal with this hotel and they provide Barbies for adoptive moms--the Barbie is holding a Chinese baby. So funny!!! The best thing about this hotel is the breakfast that's included--imagine anything you'd want to eat for breakfast--western or Chinese--and they have it. We all pig out!

One funny thing about my mom--she reads the China Daily every day. We keep telling her she's going to be pro-com when we go home--so funny!!

It's so fun seeing so many other families from all over the world who are adopting, too. Their families are so unique and beautiful!

Well, I'm gonna go take advantage of this opportunity--both kids are sleeping with Daddy!

PLEASE pray for our paperwork as they are making us change from non special needs to special needs. We have been waiting to hear from the Consulate b/c it's the weekend--we've had to wait it out. We'll hear more tomorrow.

Love, love to all!

Snow Family Pictures

Please Pray

Made it to China safely and went to meet Brenna this morning early. She is very sick. Don't know all the details yet, but very difficult situation. Will update later. Please pray. Desperately upset.

Packing to Leave!

Well, we leave the country in 5 days! We will get to hold our daughter for the first time on July 5! We are overwhelmed with emotions--joy, expectation, fear, sadness, up and down daily or by the hour! We have been showered with love, gifts, and prayer over these last few weeks. We finished Brenna's room and have been packing for about a week! It's amazing how much we need to pack for two toddlers. We have been telling Micah a special story every day of our trip to China and the story of what will happen the day we get to meet Brenna. He can say that we're going to China on an airplane to get baby sister, but how much of that he understands.....I don't know! My mom and dear friend, Brenda, are traveling with us, so we'll have the kids out-numbered 4-2. We'll be home on the 16th, but in the meantime we'll be posting from China with updates. Sorry for the quick post, but I'm tired. I'll try to post something meaningful before we leave and I'll add some pics of her room and the two showers we have had. Love to all!

We Have TA!!!

Well, today we got more good news--we don't know what to do with ourselves!! We got travel clearance and are in the process of requesting our consulate appointment. Once we get that, we'll buy our plane tickets!!!!!!! Looks like we'll be going to China to get our girl in two-three weeks!! I can't tell you how long I've wanted to be able to say that! Yahoo! The cool thing is that we've been praying that we wouldn't be held up by our immigration clearance that we got yesterday--I feel like God was sort of winking at me by giving us our TA right after. He is able to do more than all we ask or imagine!

We Have Immigration Clearance!!

I just had to write and give thanks to the Lord and let you share in our praise! Chris just got the mail and in it was our immigration clearance that we had to get again b/c of our homestudy update! This was SUPER fast! God did it! This was the most unknown element in our next steps. Now, we are waiting for travel clearance and visas, which could come any day!! I am so thankful for this news--I've been discouraged today, heartsick over wanting to have her home with us. We continue to ask you to pray for the next steps and especially for our daughter. We're in the process of trying to get milk to her. We're going to celebrate this small victory in the meantime. Brenna, we're one step closer to you!!

Milestones Across the Miles

Well, today our daughter is 17 months old. We went out as a family to celebrate, but my heart wasn't really into celebrating. We are ready to hold her and share these milestones in person. We've already missed so much of her life and today is one more thing we've missed. So many people want to gloss over the loss and grief that is always some part of adoption. Yes, our daughter will gain so much when we are united, but she will also lose a culture, a language and her birthplace. She will lose the comfort of looking like everyone else. She will lose all that is familiar to her up until now, including nannies and other children in her orphanage. We will gain more than is speakable when we are united, but we are aware of what we've lost as well--TIME and KNOWLEDGE. I don't know when she took her first breaths outside her first mother's womb. I don't know her exact birthday. I don't know how she's been taken care of until now, what she's afraid of, what she likes, who she looks like. I wasn't there to see so many firsts or to teach her to trust from the beginning. So, today we not only celebrate but mourn. And long for that day when we hold her and start sharing our lives together. Please pray that we receive travel clearance and immigration clearance quickly. Please pray that she is safe from harm and is not afraid. Please pray for her physical needs to be taken care of.
So, to our precious daughter--we wish you love, peace, and joy on this special day. We are waiting for you and cannot wait to make up for all those special moments when we're together!

Red Threads, Red Tape, and Red Letters

Red Threads: There is an old Chinese proverb that has been embraced by families with children adopted from China: "An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break." Now, the difference for me and my family is that we don't believe in destiny or fate but in a caring, loving God of eternal connections. We have been waiting for so long to know who our daughter is, and we finally do! We got her information last Monday and finally saw her precious face on Tuesday. After much prayer and deep examination of our hearts before God, we are sure that we are the family for her and that she's our girl! It's so awesome to finally be at this point in the process and to think we're one step closer to bringing her home. Last week a dear Chinese friend of mine helped us look at the name she was given at the orphanage. She helped us to figure out which characters in her name are normal for Chinese names as well as the meanings of them. We decided not to keep one character because it means city and is masculine sounding. The other two characters are going to be her middle name. Shao means beautiful and Hui means mercy as well as a reference to her city, Huizhou. So her name can mean beautiful mercy or beauty from Huizhou. Her full name is Brenna Shao Hui Snow. As you can see from her picture, she has big eyes and is in fact nick-named big-eyed girl by her nannies and other kids. She's timid and shy but loves to be cuddled. We can't wait to go get her as soon as possible. We are waiting on several things--

Red Tape: In order to have a biological child, well, there's not much to it as far as approval or paperwork goes--at least not in this country. Having an adopted child, however, requires an unbelievable amount of paperwork, fingerprints, physical examinations, references, financial screening, background checks, educational requirements, numerous governmental and adoption agencies, homestudies, etc, etc... You get the picture. Now, part of this process is good--great even--for preparing people for parenthood. But a lot of it seems to prolong the separation of parents from children and children from parents...that's just my humble opinion as it is...

At this point, we have been matched with our daughter but we still wait...we wait for travel clearance (3-8 weeks), we wait for her to be processed (3-5 weeks), we wait for a US Consulate appointment, and we now wait for an updated home study to be processed and new immigration clearnance, something we just found out that we have to do today. The timing on those last two is unknown. Today the wait is hard--the hardest it's ever been. As I cried out to God asking why and doesn't He know our daughter needs us, He reminded me that it's HIM we must trust, not some process or red tape. We ask God to work through, around, above, beyond, in spite of and because of, this red tape, to bring our daughter home.

Red Letters: These last two weeks as we've continued to experience the huge highs and lows on the adoption roller-coaster, God has clearly shown me that it is only through His strength, courage, love, and grace that we will make it. As I read His word, I can find trust in Him, new lessons worth learning as we wait, and the emotional balance I need to get through it all--the peace that passes my understanding. It's only through His words--His red letters--that I can ever see this journey as I should. Thank you all for your support and love--God uses your words, too!

Referral!!!!!!

This won't be long since I'm extremely exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed, but we got a phone call today at around 1 pm letting us know that we've been matched with a precious girl! We have very minimal information since we're waiting for the file to be translated; we haven't even seen pics yet!! Our case worker said they have 3 pics and "she's beautiful"!! Here is her info:
Name: Chengshao Hui
DOB: January 3, 2009
Province: Guangdong
Micah and his sister are only 8 months apart, so they will be great playmates one day! Once we get the full translated file, we'll know more about her history. We should officially accept her as our referral in a few days--I'll post pics then! Hopefully, we'll travel in 6-8 weeks to bring her home!!!! I still can't believe that after 4 years of waiting, we are finally getting closer to our girl. I hope to sleep, but imagine I'll happily stay up and read or paint her room if I can't!!!

The Blessings of Waiting

I never thought I would ever write the word blessing in relation to waiting for my daughter, but I'm coming to realize that the pain and hope that I feel and have felt the past 4 years as we've waited on our girl, mirror the pain and hope we feel as we live as immigrants in a world that is not our home. This truth struck me last night at a concert I went to.

David Wilcox, singer/songwriter, has written music that has touched me, fed me, challenged me, angered me, and humored me over the last 15 years. Each time I hear him in person, God meets me through the art and authenticity that he offers through song. Last night I felt like he was writing about my journey over the last few years. I could go on and on about the different things the Spirit stirred up in me at the concert, but only one relates to what I'm talking about here.

The last song of the night, "Open Hand," is about the angst we often feel as humans in that we feel such hope and longing for a better world, a better life, a better something, yet it is in this world filled with suffering and pain and heartbreak where we must prepare for the Hope yet to come. It feels so completely wrong and unnatural to have hearts that are so open to love and hope in a world that constantly disappoints and destroys, but it's actually the way it's supposed to be. Last night Dave (Chris and I call him "Dave" as if we know him) asked us what we are longing for, what we painfully hope for, and my heart cried out for Brenna.

For four years, we have held onto the thread of hope that is our daughter. We have experienced heart-break after heart-break and disappointment beyond our ability to bear or understand. YET (and there's always a yet when it comes to Jesus!) we have kept hoping. Not only have we kept hoping in spite of the pain, but that hope grew and overflowed into love for each other, our precious son, and a drive to fight for all hurting children. I believe now that the blessing in the waiting has been this evidence--this proof--of God's presence in our lives. He took the pain and turned it into some very beautiful things. I never would have chosen to wait 4 years, but I have had to pry open my hand filled with my way, my plans, and surrender to His...and found more hope to keep going.

Even as I write this, I feel fear and anxiety in relaxing into the hope that we may hold our precious daughter very soon. But what's the alternative? Close off my heart? Ignore my feelings? Ignore my longing and hope by doing other things? No--instead I'll give into the Hope and by God's grace, if I must feel pain again in this waiting, then I trust He'll turn it into another blessing.

From "Open Hand" by David Wilcox
She can feel that wind right now, wash away her tracks and plans
If you really want to live this life, gotta hold it with an open hand

Is smoke coming out of my ears?

I recently shared with a friend that lately I feel like smoke is pouring out of my ears as my brain stays in overdrive! All of my anticipated plans for the next two years have been drastically changed with the news of our adoption likely to happen very soon. See, I'm a "J" on the Myers-Briggs--you know, a planner. Now, I can be as flexible as the next person as long as I plan for flexibility. This is actually what got me through the adoption process for so long. But something happened over the last year or so and I got comfortable in my planning again. I expeted Micah to be about 3 when we got Brenna, so he would most likely be potty-trained and out of his crib; I expected our house to be sold and that we'd be settled into a new house; I expected to be in better shape; I expected to be, more ready, I guess; I expected to have traveled overseas this year for missions; I expected to have more of an interim time before baby-dom began again.... I expected, and I was wrong!


Frankly, that's a bit hard for me to handle on some days. So I make lists and more lists on notepads all over the house. I email anyone I know that has adopted from China or knows someone who has and ask them all sorts of questions. I wake up at 2 am as if it were 7, my mind racing with thoughts of Micah's passport and shots and what he will eat in his picky toddler stage in China. I wonder where we will put the overflowing furniture that we now need to move to make room for Brenna's bed. I wonder if I am ready to be a mom again. I wonder if my son is ready to be a big brother....I could go on and on but that might make smoke come out of your ears!

With all of that said, when I allow myself to stop and pause and to think about some major truths in the midst of all of this, a strange peace falls upon me. God knows the personality He gave me. He knows my need for order and that we were going to be surprised by how soon our daughter would be coming home. So, He watched as we got our house ready to put on the market, realizing that we were getting ready for something else. He listened to me tell Him that I was ready for some sort of challenge in my life and knew the answer was coming. He listened as I prayed, for the first time in a year, wondering if my daughter had been born or not and asking Him to whisper to her heart that we love her, want her, and are coming to get her--ONE WEEK BEFORE we found out she was coming so soon, and that yes, she's most certainly been born!


God is good. He takes care of us with a delicate balance of teaching us to love who He has made us to be while surrendering ourselves completely to His transformation.


The next time I feel like smoke is coming out of my ears, I will choose to laugh or cry as I remember that He knows the plans He has for me--plans for a hope and a future!

Our Looong Adoption Journey So Far...

I'll begin by introducing our adoption journey to bring our daughter Brenna home, by saying that our son just turned two yesterday! If that sounds like a strange way to introduce our adoption, then you're on the right track because our path to becoming parents has been anything but normal or expected. But, we have finally realized that it is the right path for us.

In the summer of '02, my husband and I traveled to China for 2 weeks. We had only been married 4 years and were still thinking of parenthood as something wonderful but somewhat distant. We had always known that adoption would be a part of our family in some way, but had no idea how. On this trip to China, we learned of the many girls in orphanages awaiting international adoption. We learned that China's one-child policy had created an overwhelming social crises in which baby girls were being abandoned in order to have a boy for that one-child quota issued by the government. (I'll write more on this later.) Chris and I were shocked and very drawn to the girls we saw. On the plane ride home, we felt strongly that we had a Chinese daughter in our future--and we BOTH felt this way.

One year later, we began the paperwork, taking one year to complete it as we waited to turn 30 years old, a requirement by China in order to adopt. In 2006, our paperwork was sent to China (DTC Feb '06) and we were logged-into the waiting line, so to speak, on March 7, 2006 (LID). At the time, we were excited and ready to become parents, and expected it to happen quickly. The wait times after being logged-in at that time were estimated at 5-7 months for a referral (when you are matched with your child). Well, that was not what we got to experience. Along with so many other hopeful parents-to-be, we got caught up in a period of wait times being doubled and even tripled. As the time dragged on and on, our desire to become parents of this special child grew to be a deep, painful burden to become parents.

As we waited, God was gracious to bring other children into our lives to pour into and we are forever grateful for their kind parents who shared them with us! But we remained attached to our Chinese daughter, even though we hadn't even been matched with a specific child! We even named her Brenna, after a dear lifelong friend of mine, and have been calling her this for years. We read and read about adoption and China. We made friends with other adoptive families and with Chinese here in town. Our lives were very full and yet we were completely heart-broken. We had a lot of love in our marriage that needed to expand to love for a child.

So, in the summer of 2007, with wait times projected to once again double, we went to God in prayer. Over the course of one weekend, three different people/groups prayed for us. We got a surprising answer....God told us to ask Him for a child for now. For NOW??? What did that mean? We were so committed to bringing our Chinese daughter home, to that specific child of our hearts; it felt disloyal to pursue another child in the meantime. But as we prayed, God revealed to us that we had never really asked him for a child to help heal this brokenness caused by an unfulfilled desire to parent. We had just assumed that we must dutifully wait for our Brenna.

So we tried to follow God's calling and asked Him for a child for NOW... We looked into fostering and other situations, but nothing seemed right. Finally, we did some research and found out that the medication I was on for an auto-immune disorder had been re-classified as safe during pregnancy. We were shocked, thrilled, and terrified. We had never held onto the idea of having a biologial child (nor had we tried for one) and it was quite strange to re-think that we might have one. So, we humbly and honestly poured out our deepest hurts and longings before the Lord for a child to love. And....we were pregnant the next month! We feel that God did this for us because He knew we needed to know this was a gift from HIM so that we wouldn't feel disloyal to our Brenna. Our son, Micah, was born April 25, 2008. He has been a complete joy and we look at him everyday, in awe that he is ours.

In light of the unexpected gift of our son, we had to put our dossier on hold to adopt our daughter. In January 2009, the place we were in line for adoption seemed to suggest that we would be matched with a daughter in April '09. We agreed with our adoption agency that birth order would be affected if we continued with our original log-in date, so we wrote a letter to China asking to be given a later log-in date. Well, we have been tracking that date and assumed that we would be given a match anywhere from 12-18 months from now. That assumption was blown out of the water two weeks ago!

Back to the beginning of this blog when I said that our son turned two...My husband got an email from our adoption agency telling us that now that our son was turning two, we could write that letter asking China for a match....we had NO idea what they were talking about! After talking with our case worker, we found out that they had not told us that when we wrote China a letter asking to be moved back in the line, they declined and just said to write them when our son turned two!! Chris was speechless for two days and I cried for 3 or 4. We are thrilled beyond words and hope to see our daughter's face soon! We are busily preparing for her and can't wait to travel to China to bring her home.