I never thought I would ever write the word blessing in relation to waiting for my daughter, but I'm coming to realize that the pain and hope that I feel and have felt the past 4 years as we've waited on our girl, mirror the pain and hope we feel as we live as immigrants in a world that is not our home. This truth struck me last night at a concert I went to.
David Wilcox, singer/songwriter, has written music that has touched me, fed me, challenged me, angered me, and humored me over the last 15 years. Each time I hear him in person, God meets me through the art and authenticity that he offers through song. Last night I felt like he was writing about my journey over the last few years. I could go on and on about the different things the Spirit stirred up in me at the concert, but only one relates to what I'm talking about here.
The last song of the night, "Open Hand," is about the angst we often feel as humans in that we feel such hope and longing for a better world, a better life, a better something, yet it is in this world filled with suffering and pain and heartbreak where we must prepare for the Hope yet to come. It feels so completely wrong and unnatural to have hearts that are so open to love and hope in a world that constantly disappoints and destroys, but it's actually the way it's supposed to be. Last night Dave (Chris and I call him "Dave" as if we know him) asked us what we are longing for, what we painfully hope for, and my heart cried out for Brenna.
For four years, we have held onto the thread of hope that is our daughter. We have experienced heart-break after heart-break and disappointment beyond our ability to bear or understand. YET (and there's always a yet when it comes to Jesus!) we have kept hoping. Not only have we kept hoping in spite of the pain, but that hope grew and overflowed into love for each other, our precious son, and a drive to fight for all hurting children. I believe now that the blessing in the waiting has been this evidence--this proof--of God's presence in our lives. He took the pain and turned it into some very beautiful things. I never would have chosen to wait 4 years, but I have had to pry open my hand filled with my way, my plans, and surrender to His...and found more hope to keep going.
Even as I write this, I feel fear and anxiety in relaxing into the hope that we may hold our precious daughter very soon. But what's the alternative? Close off my heart? Ignore my feelings? Ignore my longing and hope by doing other things? No--instead I'll give into the Hope and by God's grace, if I must feel pain again in this waiting, then I trust He'll turn it into another blessing.
From "Open Hand" by David Wilcox
She can feel that wind right now, wash away her tracks and plans
If you really want to live this life, gotta hold it with an open hand
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment