Four Months Together

November 5 marks four months that we have had our wonderful daughter. Just yesterday I was holding her as she slept, reflecting on how far she's come since we've been together. She turned 22 months yesterday! It's impossible to describe how amazed I am that I get to witness her blossom and unfold. I think about her first mom and how much she is missing--my heart aches for her. I am so unbelievably grateful that God has allowed me to be her second mom. How awesome that we get to be the ones with this life long connection to such an amazing person. In honor of her 22nd month and our 4 month anniversary together...drum roll please......SHE STARTED CRAWLING THIS WEEK!!!! We are overjoyed. This will mean sooo much for her development in so many ways.

To let you know what a big deal it is that she's crawling, I'll share how far she's come. Since we've gotten her, she has regained or gained the ability to hold her head up, sit up on her own, play with toys, smile, laugh, scoot around on her rear, roll over, push up while on her tummy, reach out to be held, hold onto us as we hold her, initiate play, tease us, give kisses, splash, swing, slide, not be afraid of going places, dance, crawl, pull-up, and stand! She is so brave, strong, and resilient--she challenges me everyday to have hope and believe in God, my over-comer!

Transformations

Thanks to everyone who's emailed or called to see why it's been so long since I last posted... Frankly, when I have free time, I can find a million other things to do! I finally sent pictures to grandparents and other family, and thought I'd write a quick post.

Where to begin?? The last 6 weeks have been jam-packed with the typical ups and downs of family life as well as milestones and struggles more specific to adoption. I'll hit the highlights just to catch you up.

Micah is doing GREAT finally! He has really turned a corner emotionally as far as coping with the changes from having a new sister. He is even choosing to share with Brenna and initiates making sure she has toys to play with. He has learned to ride his tricycle on his own--so exciting! :) He loves to paint and does so at least every day. He also loves to pretend and daily re-arranges all the chairs in our dining room/den to make a bus/train/airplane/boat/tree-truck/pick-up truck--you get the picture. He has already dressed up as a train engineer for Halloween. Chris took him to this local event at our zoo and he so did not get what was happening. We never talk about Halloween, so he was clueless. After going through the primate house where there was trick-or-treating, he came to understand that candy was involved and was so excited! He's had a terrible sinus infection but seems to finally be getting better. One of my favorite recent Micah memories is the day he told me that I was his best friend! He is so loving and often grabs my face, looks me in the eyes, and says "you're a good mommy." AWW!!

Brenna is doing well. She had a terrible tummy problem for 3 days--unbelievable diarrhea!! She had an ear-infection at the same time. We're so thankful she's better. Right before she got sick she was weighed and is up to 19.4 pounds!! She's gained 8 pounds in the last 3.5 months--almost as much as what she gained her entire life before. We're so humbled and grateful that she's doing so well! She's still not crawling, but is showing more strength and interest. I have physical therapy exercises I have to do with her; she hates them sometimes, but I'm learning how to make them more endurable for her. She's a fighter! She continues to amaze us with her playfulness and openness to learning so many new things. She's really into language right now and often turns our heads toward her to repeat a word she finds interesting or funny. The BIG news is that about 3/4 weeks ago, she said Ma-Ma for the first time! Then, a couple weeks ago, she started saying Da-Da. Now she says those two words and duck, uh-oh, and boo. She still signs all the time and we think she's a very smart little girl. She loves to swing and both kids LOVE to bump around in the yard in the wagon. She now reaches for us to hold her all the time and gets upset when we leave the room or the house--huge emotional progress! Again, we're so thankful she's doing so well!

As for Chris and I, we sometimes dream of going away for a weekend to Tahiti or even a local motel for that matter! But, at the same time, we are so thankful and filled with joy to have been given the privilege of parenting these two amazing kids. Recently a dear mentor told me some life-giving words as I related my struggles with letting go of my kids and entrusting them to God. She told me that we can give all to our kids and leave very little for ourselves and it still will not be enough for them. They have needs that can only be met by God; in fact, in our shortcomings as parents, they can experience God's strength even more. God will never let me down as a parent--HE will always be there for my kids. So, the best I can do for them is to give and love unconditionally but also model wholeness as a woman of God. That means taking time away from them when I need to, exercising to stay physically/mentally healthy, going to bible study, hanging out with friends, and dating my husband! Such words of life and freedom--I needed to hear them. I so often think that I can do it all and be all for my kids and when I (obviously) can't, I judge myself and feel guilty. If I can just learn that I can never give them all they need, I can find peace! The best thing I can give them is a life lived for God.

Choosing Gratitude

Hello all! Sorry it's been so long since my last post; it's taken me awhile to get my feet under me the last few weeks. We've had good news but I think Chris and I are just coming out of post-adoption shock or adjustment or something.

For the good news--two weeks ago we had our follow-up visit to the Int'l Adoption Clinic. This is where they did developmental assessment and helped us know where to focus our parentherapy efforts. Here's the miracle: ALL the tests are back now and she's negative for everything! Praise God! Developmentally, they were amazed at her emotional and intellectual progress. She grew the most in her head--literally--and is catching up to the size for her age (her head)quite rapidly. She knows about 20 signs now and amazes us with how much she understands and communicates without clear verbal language. She is learning to trust us and they stressed that with a child who's had such extreme deprivation, they would not expect her to have come so far at this point. For that, we are VERY grateful!! Physically, they were not displeased, but stressed that we have a long way to go. We focused on things we can do to help her get used to the crawl position with the OT. She HATES it all, so that has not been fun. The pediatrician was hoping she would have gained more weight and asked if we could get her to eat more!! So, leaving the office we should have felt great, right???

The funny thing is that the days after the clinic visit were some of the hardest we've had! I think that this is for several reasons. First, I think we were under spiritual attack. I agree with one author I read on adoption that adoption is war. The defenseless and fatherless are at the center of God's heart and when we help them, we are in the enemy's path. I think satan didn't want us to have any victory from the good clinic visit. I also think that we were finally able to let go of our concern that something major was physically wrong with Brenna, and when we did, the grief set in quite strongly. The fact that our daughter was in such a neglected, deprived state for so long is just horrifying. It is a tangible, visible reminder of what sin looks like--that we have so many resources in the church yet we don't share them or give sacrificially. When did the church get so apathetic (me included)? My daughter challenges me to live on a grander yet simpler scale. Grander in view of eternally and simpler in terms of materially...I'm struggling to stay in tune with what more God has for me. Also, we have put a lot of pressure on ourselves to try and get her stronger/crawling as well as to eat more. This is quite frustrating b/c she's now a picky eater!! But we got her weighed yesterday and she jumped to 17.4 pounds from 16.5 at the clinic two weeks ago!

So, to the title, choosing gratitude...this is how I'm surviving the mundane of raising two kids, one who is very special needs right now. This is how I'm staying SANE. This is how I'm staying aware of God's intimate presence in my life. By choosing to be thankful each day for things, I'm trying to keep track of God's big plans for our lives. I'm trying to cultivate a joyous home for Micah, Brenna, and Chris. Because, let me be frank, I know that there are some who are truly designed to be full-time moms who work at home. For me, I need some work outside the home and more time with friends and family to match the shape God's given me. So this time has been harder than just about anything I've ever done. But I am so aware and at peace that I am doing exactly what my family needs right now and what God would have me to do.

So here's what I'm grateful for: that Brenna is here with us finally, that Micah loves Brenna now, that Brenna has no parasite, that Chris has a good job, that Chris and I celebrated our 12th anniversary (happily!), for amazing friends who don't understand but listen without judgement or hollow/trite advice, for chocolate, for cooler weather coming, for how God is transforming me, for God's PERFECT timing, for pretty good health for my Crohn's, for the amazing Int'l Adoption Clinic here and there staff, for two cars that are old but running, for a house that is easy to clean and childproof, for a wonderful church, for Chris who keeps trying to understand me even when I'm ridiculous and unfair, for my wonderful mom and all her compassion and help, for my wonderful mother-in-law and her help, for my precious, precious children...

I could go on but I'll stop. That's what's in my heart right now. What I'd love to know is what you're grateful for! Post a comment or shoot me an email to tell me what God has done for you.

Brother and Sister

On Monday it was six weeks since we got Brenna. Having her home finally is such a surreal thing at times. I go back and forth between utter exhaustion or frustration with two toddlers to cracking up laughing or crying in awe of the wonder my two children bring to my life.

Micah seems to be finally adjusting a bit to having a sister. It has been really hard on him to have to share my attention and time. I am so thankful for all the help my mother-in-law and mom have been able to give me, but at times I miss him in a strange way! As Brenna has gotten stronger and more playful, Micah has been able to relate to her more easily. I think he's realized she's here to stay so he might as well go along with it! He sings to her when she's upset (totally adorable!) and is even sharing of his own free will quite often. It's amazing that they already do sibling things like be jealous of me when I'm holding one or want the toy that the other is playing with. The funniest part is how Brenna has started teasing Micah! Last week they had both just woken up from a nap and Micah was grumpy so I let him watch TV. I put heron the sofa next to him and she kept wanted to put her head on his shoulder to get his attention--see the picture--so funny! I try to do special things with Micah when Brenna takes her morning nap--we made a police outfit last week and ate icecream...the pictures speak for themselves. The funniest thing is how Micah does these quirky two-year-old things like wearing this boat hat my mother-in-law gave him everywhere we go or wearing his new shoes with nothing else but his diaper. I could barely stop laughing to take the picture!

Brenna is doing really well. I feel like she crossed some emotional milestone last week; she gives us kisses now and clings onto me when I hold her. She asks to be held a lot. It's so strange to hold a child that doesn't now how to be held and is even afraid of the closeness. She used to pull and strain away so much when we held her, turning her chest/body out. Now she even snuggles in at times. AMAZING! She wants me to rock her to sleep most nights and just generally seems more sure of her place at home. She is using a lot of sign language, too! She says more, all-done, please, cracker, book, milk, baby, and diaper. She LOVES baths, peek-a-boo, singing songs with motions, and reading books. We love her dearly and can't wait to have her get to know the family and friends close to us! We go to the int'l adoption clinic again on the 25th and hope to get a new game plan.
Gotta go--she's awake!

My New Hero

Yesterday I had a minor medical procedure done and got to talking about Brenna with the doctor. One of the nurses made a comment that helped me to articulate some things in my heart in response. She said that she "hopes Brenna is grateful one day for what we've done for her." I have to admit I wanted to yell at her and tell her that was ridiculous--we don't have children for their gratitude and if we do, we have serious problems. But, by the grace of God, I feel like I was able to respond in step with the Spirit. I simply told her that I wasn't looking for her gratitude but for her to be my daughter. And then I told her that I was the grateful one and hoped that my gratitude would be sustained through all the heartaches of parenting!

Here's what poured out of my heart--that I want everyone to know. I'm so grateful to be Brenna's mom. Brenna is one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Think about it--what kind of person would you be today if you had been abandoned by someone you loved at your weakest and most vulnerable? What if you had then been left alone in a strange hospital immediately after that, your cries for help ignored again and again? What if then, you had been taken to a place where there were too many people and not enough love, food, safety, or protection to go around, left alone in your bed for hours upon hours, your needs not met? What if you were then sick again and again, wasting away, weaker and weaker, with no special person to comfort you or bring you soup? What if you were then, after surviving a terrible week in the hospital with horrible tests never explained to you, taken away from the one, yes not so great, but only known place to you, and given to some funny looking strangers who talked in ways you couldn't understand? We try to minimize what children from neglectful and abusive backgrounds understand, go through, remember--but we would never do that to adults. Children in fact, experience these things much more profoundly because they cannot reason or use logic; they overwhelmingly feel the hurt and live it out, untranslated, through their senses. Research shows this again and again...

Seriously--if most of us had been through the things my daughter has been through in her short life--we would be bitter, solemn, resentful, or we would give up. We certainly wouldn't be easily open to love or laughter or play. Yet, my brave, strong daughter is doing just that. She's opening her heart to us--the greatest gift I could ever receive from her. She's learning to play, she's letting go of the things she used to surivive, learning to speak the language of family. When I think about all the broken children in the world and in our country, I am saddened and yet amazed! How many of you were broken like her and yet you are open to love? How many of you are still open to life, laughter, and hope? Children can become irreversibly hurt and never heal, but so many make it and not only survive but thrive...what a miracle!

The way I see it is that because we are created in God's image--we have GREAT capacity for connection and deep relationship with others. I see that part of God's imaged attacked and damaged every day by what I read about children every day--and by what I see my daughter struggling with. Yet greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world. God's light shines more brightly in the darkness. He is working to redeem that broken child in all of us. He wants us all to be working on our hang-ups, our strongholds, our sins caused by hurts done to us at any age. So, my daughter reminds me everyday to give up my way, my coping skills, my perspective, and choose God's. Terrifying at first, but over time, I see it's the only way to keep my heart open.

So, as I told my doctor yesterday--my daughter is my new hero. All persons that have survived horror in their childhoods are my heros! My prayer is that I will dare to completely open my heart to God as I teach my daughter to open her heart to us and ultimately Him.

Brennna News

Three weeks ago today we had one of the most overwhelming and terrifying days of our lives. It was also one of the most important because it was the day we met Brenna. We arrived at the Guangdong provincial adoption center along with many other families from all over the world. Just a few minutes after our arrival we were told that Brenna was in fact there and they brought her out to us. We were overjoyed to see her finally, but we could tell that from her point of view, this was a traumatizing day. She was so sick and looked so bad--we can't express what went through our minds. A few minutes after holding her, the nanny and nurse who'd brought her told our guide that she'd been hospitalized for one week and had just been released three days before. That began the crazy ups and downs of that week. Our parent hearts began fighting for our daughter that day and we are so thankful she's ours. She is a joy to watch as she gets better and learns about the world. She is granting us the privilege of getting to know her little by little.

Today as we think back on that hard time just a short time ago, we had a very different experience. We had our big appointment with the local international adoption clinic. We spent about 2.5 hours there between a nurse, social workers specializing in attachment and bonding, and a pediatrician. It was awesome! It's so encouraging to go where people understand what we're doing and can give us practical advice on how to best parent our daughter.

We got great news overall--she now weighs 15 pounds!!! That's 4 pounds in 3 weeks. Unbelievable!!! She's still the size of a 4 month old, but she's huge to us!! All of the tests that have come back so far are all normal!!! The main parasite they were testing for was negative. There are still other parasites we're waiting to hear about, but so far, so good. She does not have any problems with growth hormones or celiac disease. Her thyroid looks great and even her iron is good. The only other tests we're waiting for is all that they screen for in the newborn screenings. We'll see but we don't think they'll find anything. With that said, she was basically a healthy baby at birth (around 7 pounds) and then has been underfed for the last 18 months. Most likely she had a virus that put her in the hospital before we got her. I am being very careful in what I write on this public post, but as a parent it's so surreal to realize all of this...

With that said, our precious girl, our Brenna, our "Shao-shao" is doing very well! She is getting stronger every day and sits up for long spurts on her own. She gets around best by lying on her back and scooting around. She is rolling onto her tummy more and more which is GREAT! The doctor thinks she'll be crawling within the month. As far as attachment and family bonding goes, she's doing much better than the therapist would have expected considering all the deprivation she's experienced. She is quite a remarkable little girl if I do say so myself!!!

She LOVES the water! We went in the backyard yesterday to swim in our little pool and she LOVED it! She loves baths now, too! She splashes and kicks. She now rolls her arms to patty-cake and has signed "more" a few times. She loves to feed herself the things she can and is eating a ton! She also plays peek-a-boo with things--so cute!

It was great to hear some more tips from the therapist and know that we're doing what we should to give Brenna the best chance to learn what family means--it's still hard at times, though. We were encouraged to do as we thought--to limit her interactions with others until she knows us. This is so hard b/c we want to show her off and we know others already love her and want to meet her. But the therapist reiterated that if we do certain things now, it will pay off exponentially in the future. So, if you happen to get to meet Brenna and wonder what you can do to help, you can constantly redirect her to us when she tries to interact with you. All food, goodies, toys, etc, should come from us. Interact with Micah--he needs it! We'll also not be taking her out in crowds for about a month. We promise that you will get to meet her when the time is right. Enjoy the pics!

Pics of Trip

I'm just posting some pics really quickly. They're some favs, and I'll post more another time... The ones without Brenna are of the hour before we got her. Then, you'll see the one where we meet her. The other family pic of her and Micah in red is on oath ceremony day...